A#                 F               C
Our son is four months old his name is Anthony or Ash for short
    A#                F            C
And he's too small to do things by himself
           A#      F              C                           A#
We were in A  over Christmas in a rental and we jury-rigged a place
              F            C
To change his diapers on a shelf
      A#            F                C
I was peeing in the bathroom and had left him for a second
         A#                  F               C
'Cause I thought he couldn't move and he was safe
          A#            F               C
As I came out I saw him falling in slow motion to the floor
       A#                 F            C
It was probably the worst moment of my life

[Instrumental]
 A# F C x2

           A#           F                C
And then I accidentally stole a thing of chapstick from the safeway
         A#            F              C
I didn't see it 'til I got out to the car
             A#        F                   C
I would have usually returned it but I was overwhelmed
                     A#         F                 C
And late to take the baby to my cousins which was far away
      A#                       F  C
In my defense, I'd bought like 87 dollars worth of groceries
        A#              F      C
And the chapstick was a dollar 99
          A#               F
I know it wasn't the right thing to use
   C
My newborn child as an excuse
       A#               F             C
But it felt like a good reason at the time
         A#                F
And as I pulled out of the parking lot I cried
         A#              F
And as I pulled onto the highway I said right
   A#        F           C
At least the baby didn't die
   A#        F           C
At least the baby didn't die
            A#          F
And then we went to Sarasota
   C
To see Neil's cousin Helen
        A#           F                  C
For her birthday she just turned ninety-nine
        A#             F
We were also there for Sidney
        C
Who was ninety-four two days before
    A#              F             C
But he was sick, so mostly it was Ash and Helen time
       A#            F
She survived the Warsaw ghetto
        C
And she always says I love you"
         A#                  F               C
When she sees you 'cause she knows you never know
                 A#                 F
She'd worked for months while I was pregnant
     C
On a gorgeous handmade blanket
    A#             F              C
Her almost-hundred-year-old hands crocheting every row
         A#           F               C
I'd been emailing her pictures of the baby and the blanket
      A#                F              C
Every day since she had sent it in the mail
                 A#               F
But they were of one that someone else had knitted
C
She was really nice about it
A#              F            C
Then I went and shoplifted a pair of ugly sunglasses
     A#                  F
From Goodwill (they were on my head
    C
I'd tried them on and left them there)
    A#                F
But that's not really bad compared to
                 C            A#
When we left the baby in the car

A# F C

   A#              F             C
At least he wasn't in there very long
A#          F            C
 And not directly in the sun
              A#             F              C
And thank god no-one walking by happened to notice what we'd done
         A#                  F           C
I'm even scared to put these lyrics in a song

But
Gm            A#           F            G A#
Everything is relative and everyone's related
Gm              A#
I can't do that much right now
    F                 G A#
But take care of this baby
         A#           F               C
I figure everything's technically all right
      A#         F            C
If at least this baby doesn't die
           A#              F          C
And then I took a plane to Washington alone
                        A#               F
So we could visit Jason Webley who's his godfather
    C
And plays a mean accordion
  A#               F                 C
I couldn't wait to see him and share tales of our disasters
     A#            F                C
Over dinner in his houseboat when I saw I'd lost my passport
     A#            F               C
So I got a rush appointment at the place where you replace them
      A#             F             C
And I drove the baby in and on the way I got a speeding ticket
A#                F             C                             A#
When the cop came to the window I was shaking and I said "I'm sorry"
        F                C                                      A#
But you couldn't hear me that's how loud the sound of screaming was
             F            C
Cause he was hungry and I think that I was speeding
        A#           F
Cause I panic when I hear him cry
   C
My god what kind of a mother am i

A# F C

         A#                F                C
And as I pulled out of the breakdown lane I cried
         A#                F             C
And as I pulled out on the highway I said right
   A#        F           C
At least the baby didn't die
   A#        F           C
At least the baby didn't die"
            A#             F              C
While I was waiting for my passport I was hungry so
                  A#            F
I twittered for a coffee in the neighborhood
    C                           A#             F
And there I saw a woman who was sitting at the bar
           C
And it was noon and she was drinking
        A#                F           C
And she called across the diner to me How old is your baby?"
        A#           F
And she smiled at us nursing
        C                               A#
And she said she had a daughter who was grown
             F
And then she paused
             C
And said she also had a son
    A#                F            C
And when I'd paid and was about to leave
  A#                            F                    C
I picked him up and crossed the room and touched her sleeve
        A#             F             C
I said, Hey, this baby wanted to say hi"
     A#                        F          C
And she held him tight and she started to cry
        A#              F              C
And I'm sorry that this story's gotten long
         A#          F              C
And that everybody's crying in this song
           A#              F                C
And then I got back in the car I turned the radio and heater on
    A#                 F           C
And sat there with the baby in the back
              A#            F         C
And they were talking about Syria and climate change and IB S
        A#          F            C
And the candidates' positions on Iraq
          A#              F
I feel so useless in this universe
  C
I know I could be doing worse
    A#             F               C
I'm trying hard to stay at peace inside
            A#           F
I know it's hard to be a parent
         C
But this mess is so gigantic
  A#          F                 C
i wonder if I should have had a child
       A#                  F             C
And as I pulled out of the parking lot I cried
       A#                  F
And as I pulled out on the highway I said
C
 right

   A#        F           C
At least the baby didn't die
   A#        F           C
At least the baby didn't die

EVERYBODY:
   A#        F           C
At least the baby didn't die!!
   A#        F           C
At least the baby didn't die!!
           A#             F                 C
(i may not make it to the passport place on time!)
        (At least the baby didn't die)
          A#              F             C
(and they might revoke my license for a while!!)
       (At least the baby didn't die)
       A#                   F           C
(and I might get caught for retroactive theft!!)
       (At least the baby didn't die)
       A#                 F        C
(and I might get turned into the DSS!)
       A#        F           C
But at least the baby didn't die"