It was Thursday night in Jerusalem
And it was cloudy and mean
Ole Jesus went out on the town
To get himself some of that turpentine
He went into a bar and said,
"Can I get a shot of that mead"
The bartender not recognizing ole Jesus said,
"There's something that you'll need"

Well now ole Jesus got carded on Christmas
It was such a sight
And Santa's got a boner and he's fucking my daughter
Ooohhh on Christmas night

It's a fine Scabs Christmas
Here in purgatory
All the angels have on fake dicks
It's just that same ole story
We're going to hell
We're gonna spend Christmas in hell

All I want for Christmas is for you to stick your finger in my nuts
All I want for Christmas is for you to stick your tongue all over my nuts
And then I might stick my little christmasy finger in your butt

There was a little boy born in a manger
And they called him Jesus Christ
His mother was a virgin but somehow she still had lice
"Now how'd you get those crabs, mother Mary?"
Ole Joseph did inquire
Then Jesus popped out and he said, "I'm your sire
I am the Son of God
I am the Son of God
I am hungry but I am the Son of God
And so they invented Melba toast
But Jesus got carded on Christmas
I've got a scab on my Christmas